The Formula
Vibrant. Alive. Empowered. Badass. My newly hired life coach divorce coach asked me how I wanted to feel at the end of my divorce and the divorce process. What type of person did I want to become, and what feelings did I want to invoke? The answer came quickly, without hesitation. I was tired, tapped out, done with feeling depleted, less than, and inferior, not just in my marriage but also in my life in general. Quite frankly, I felt like shit, and I was over it.
This is a powerful tool used in coaching, i.e. asking your client what feelings she or he wants more of in her or his life. It is especially helpful when you know you feel either (a) stuck and unmotivated, (b) unhappy with yourself, your life circumstances, or a particular situation, or (c) just plain awful. Taking it a step further, you want to consider not only the feelings you want more of, but also the type of person you want to become. Author James Clear, who wrote the New York Times Bestseller Atomic Habits, discusses this topic in relation to habit changing or habit formation. To paraphrase Clear’s idea, we must couple (1) identity/the type of person we want to become + (2) the actions it takes to become that type of person. Using my example, I wanted to become the type of person who is vibrant, alive, empowered, and badass(!). With my coach’s help, we designed action steps that allowed me to embody and invoke those feelings on a daily basis. That’s right. If I wanted to up-level my life – and I really did! – I had to do it every single day.
How? First, take inventory. I wrote a list of everything I did in a given day or week or even month – everything from brushing my teeth to taking out the trash to “going” to work (remote work counts!). Then you take stock of how your actions meet your desired outcome. You also look at where there is a deficit, i.e. in what ways do you need more actions or inactions that are aligned with the type of person you want to become? For instance, if I say I want to go to bed earlier then I need more actions, or inactions, that meet that outcome. Turning off the lights, putting my phone down, reading before bed, meditation are all examples or actions or inactions I could take to meet the outcome of going to bed earlier. Think of it like a formula where you can add or subtract things that don't add up to the goal. Clear uses the example of quitting smoking. Someone who is trying to quit smoking might answer the following question in one of two ways: “Would you like a cigarette?” (a) “No thank you, I do not smoke,” or (b) “No thank you, I’m trying to quit.” With (a), as Clear points out, the person already identifies as the type of person who doesn't smoke.
This is a simple yet powerful practice we can do throughout our lives to make sure things add up (identity of the type of person in the desired outcome + action = desired outcome, OR a+b=c). Oftentimes, when they don't add up, then we are out of alignment and left feeling depleted, broken, depressed, and miserable. We’ve all been there, absentmindedly taking action(s) that don’t add up to the desired outcome. Heck, weekly I am trying to improve my sleep hygiene only to find myself scrolling and flooding my eyes with light from my phone right before bed. Hence my equation would look like a+___= ___. Because I’m missing b = action, I will not end up with c = desired outcome. But, as Clear emphasizes, it’s the small steps that add up to a significant reward.
So now I ask you, What type of person do you want to become, and what feelings do you want to invoke more of? Then, what actions or inactions can you take to achieve it?
Food for thought….
