Words to Live by
It might have been the earliest days after my marriage ended, or perhaps the weeks just thereafter, when I heard some of the most impactful and life-changing wisdom. Words that I’ve clung to like a buoy in an ocean. Words that I currently and continuously choose to guide the direction of my life.
Scene: I’m numb, a shell of a human, hurting all over, and hurting so much that even my insides ache, exhausted from lack of sleep and from the emotional gymnastics that accompany the ending of a marriage and life as you knew it wished it would be. Fortunately, I had a community of friends championing me through this dark time, including and especially a friend I worked with at the time who went through her own heartbreak and divorce a few years prior. I sought counsel from her lived experience like it was a soothing balm to my broken self.
(Let me also take a moment to recognize the power in the tribe of women that were my work family at the time. The grace they showed me and the endless cards I received from them were beacons of light and loving gestures that are not lost on me to this day.)
In response to the many text messages I sent my friend, she always answered, and she answered thoughtfully and with detailed and specific advice and compassion. It was as helpful as it was empathic. She made me feel so seen and my pain and experience so validated, while also holding the light and guiding me out of the darkness.
After one of my messages that read something like, “This blows. I’m just in so much pain. Everything hurts.” my friend didn't miss a beat and responded to the effect of, “I know. This period, the beginning, is the worst of it. If you’re as lucky as I was, then you’ll soon have a day when you realize you were given the greatest gift because it’s giving you a second chance and you’re getting your life back.” Boom. Cue the mic drop.
I didn't fully appreciate her words at the moment. It wasn't until a few weeks, or even a month or so thereafter, that I finally had the Oprah-worthy Aha! moment when I reflected back on what she said. I was driving on Highway 1 on the Central Coast on a clear, warm sunny day. If you’ve been to this area south of Big Sur, outside of Paso Robles and San Luis Obispo, then you know the stunning views I’m referring to. I was on my way home after a beach walk with my dog, Atlas, admiring the ocean views on my right and rolling golden hills on my left, and probably with the windows down so Atlas can stick her nose out the window as she loves to do, her little ears flopping about from the wind. I felt present. I felt grateful.
The views seemed crisp and vivid, a sensation I hadn't experienced in a while because my vision and my world seemed gray and foggy during heartbreak or trauma. More importantly, I realized what my friend meant, or at least how I interpreted it. In that moment I saw that I had a choice: I could let this break up and divorce destroy me (and most days at the time it certainly did), leave me bruised and broken, and then carry this like the searing scarlet letter I felt I had – I was well on my way to be honest. OR I could see this as a turning point, an opportunity to start over, to live the biggest and boldest f*cking life of my dreams. I think the phrase that came to mind was, “Holy shit! I get to live my life again! Hoooolllllly…shit… This isn't the end of my life; this is the beginning of my life.” I felt vibrant, full of joy, and excitement! I felt full of possibility and that so much of what I wanted to do and achieve was newly attainable. It’s the moment I went from being heartbroken about the marriage and a life I thought I wanted, to being grateful that I was given my life back.
